Joe Lieberman Vows To Blow Up The Internet

Joe Lieberman has made it his business to guard against the possibility that somebody, somewhere, might be enjoying adult freedom. It's no surprise, then, that when he heard about something called "YouTube"— where apparently anybody at all can post content—it was only a matter of time before the Jowls of Righteousness demanded the right to approve any video as kashrut before it appears online.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall in Lieberman's senate office, while some unfortunate staffer informed Joementum of Google/YouTube's response.

Just try to imagine the scene: Lieberman smiling, gladhanding surrogates, schmoozing the day away on the phone, noshing on a bissel fressen, re-watching a few Dennis Miller DVDs (that guy never gets old!), drawing idea balls for his next Wall Street Journal column (ooh! Cromwell, Rabbi Akibah, Scoop Jackson; Babylonian Captivity, Hanoi Hilton, D-Day; appeasement, surrender, hijacked by left-wing extremists — this one's going to be a doozy), almost working up the courage to plant a copy of Das Kapital in Barack Obama's desk, brainstorming Hebrew prophets to compare John Hagee to. When, with a hesitant turn of the office door handle, young Irving (probably Irving, possibly Noah or Ari) tiptoes towards the rich leather couch where Lieberman is napping like a tiny wrinkled seraph, and, not knowing what else to do, begins clearing his throat as conspicuously as possible.

Lieberman [talking in his sleep]: "Why thank you President McCain, I would be honored to accept the position of proconsul of Persia…[fidgets, gradually wakes up]…what, oh, just a dream. Nathan [or Elliot or Micah] my boy, what's the news?"

David [or Jonathan or Isaac]: "Senator, Google has written back. They s-s-s-say…[gulps]…should I read it?"

Lieberman: "Yes, by all means."

Jacob [or Matthew or Seth]: "It says, 'Dear Senator Lieberman, we appreciate your letter, your interest in our business, and our other affairs. Yes, our sister-in-law is doing quite well, and the nephew has just signed up for Birthright. Now, to the merits of your complaint, we must inform you that, contrary to your assertion in §1, you are not in fact the "Emperor of Muscular Foreign Policy" (we're not sure what that means, frankly), nor, if you were, would that entitle you to veto power over the content of YouTube. Moreover, your claim in §2 is false: We checked the archives extensively, and there is no Supreme Court precedent granting the "most morally clear" member of the US Senate authority to suspend whichever provisions of the Constitution he feels he must in order to protect children from moral corrosion; nor, as far as our research indicates, is there any record of anyone designating you "most morally clear" senator besides yourself. Lastly, the point you make in §3 is technically incorrect: The entire internet is not collectively responsible for everything that anyone posts anywhere on it. Thus, unless a more compelling case can be made, we have no plans to comply with your requests at this time. Regards, etc…..' That's it, Senator Lieberman."

Lieberman [jowls turning red more in sorrow than anger]: "I see. It is interesting, isn't it, that Hamas endorses the internet? I'm sure the American people will have some questions to ask about that."