FFJD: New Years Resolutions: Less Heroin, More Fruit

Helloooo FFJDers! Oh how I’ve missed you. I have been floating in a sea (literally, the Carribean Sea) of adorable grandmas in excessive amounts of sequins, haphazardly attemping to make RHONY jokes to the Eastern European steward population, who just ask me if I would like more Diet Sprite. The answer is always yes.

I will regale you with hilarious tales of my sea legs (read: epic neausea) but for now, let’s ring in the new year FFJD style, with a little musings on resolutions. And by resolutions, I mean I am heading back to the Lido for some more pineapple chunks.

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Do you make New Years Resolutions?

I wonder how that came about, another excuse for you to put pressure on yourself and aim to be a different person (like one who is relaxed, or organized, or some blanket characteristic that would take years of therapy, retail or otherwise, to fix).

Here at FFJD, (you know, our enormous organization that consists of me in my Snoopy jammies typing away on my floor), we are making slightly different resolutions.

Because let’s face it, by January 10 you’re back with your Four Loko problem, the one that caused you to hallucinate and see a ghost in Sara’s hallway after three cans of the Watermelon one and knee-deep in Star Magazine reading about the demise of Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis instead of the entire collection of Keats you’ve had sitting on your shelf since you got it as a graduation present. From high school.

I mostly can’t remember any significant resolutions I’ve made that have stuck. So instead, I want to make some FFJD resolutions that we can do together:

Give guys you wouldn’t necessarily give a chance some of your attention.

Fo realz, yo. You might surprise yourself. I will take that to heart too. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a great date from someone you deemed a total loser and now has sucker-punched your heart.

Be nice to yourself.

This is important. Cue violin re: body issues, academic issues, job issues, impending guilt and doom over family, your lack of anti-aging products, and give yourself a break. This goes especially for proclamations to only eat healthy foods and exercise a lot in 2011. That never works and just leads to snackcidents (I wish I could take credit for this, my it’s my fabulous coworker’s term.)

Buy fewer pairs of JBrands.

(Just kidding! Just be sure to get them a Loehmanns. Duh. Even though the waistband is an irregular size.)

I think the most important resolution is to give yourself a break from resolutions.

I feel like we make resolutions all year – clean out the bathroom drawers more often, because you still have several tubes of Proactiv from when you were 19 (it is really important to preserve your sexy), or finally give in to the family Thanksgiving Day touch football game where Uncle Kyle consistently, predictably, throws out his back and then you have to feed him yams horizontally.

This is not to say don’t ever make a resolution again – you could wake up from a Yaeger haze in March, naked, sitting in an innertube (on land) and decide to give up car bombs, it just doesn’t have to be in January. Especially if you’re lying next to Karl (Kevin?) who you are now realizing was a huge mistake not because he sort of resembles pre-makeover Ricky Gervais, but rather that he might still be dating that awful girl in your sorority. Or that guy from Sales who looked really good in the office fluorescent lighting but now you’re just noticing that his chest hair has a very irregular pattern and from this angle might resemble Jesus (which would probably sell for a lot on eBay and could cover your last Miu Miu accident. Shopcident?)

The point is, make a resolution to not make any resolutions, but instead strive to be the best version of yourself. Whatever the hell that means.

Just send me your stories. And lay off the Jaeger.

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Email FFJD at fiftyfirstjdates@gmail.com

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